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Saturday, May 5th, 2007
1:32 pm - Thank You For Existing

Hello everyone. I just started my livejournal account and was so incredably relieved when I found this community. I'm broken. My lack of interest in sex has ruined so much for me. My boyfriend of almost 16 months, my first serious honest let everything out in the open love, left me a month ago because of my depression issues and because we hadn't had sex in three months. I hate it. It doesn't hurt and I could force myself to do it, but I don't want to just be some hole. I don't know what to do with myself. Why is sex so important? I just found out that my ex has plans to start a casual sex based relationship with a girl who I had known as a friend, but now know as a total slut. Things are so wrecked, and I know it's because we stopped having sex and that fact killed me. I'm not one to involve myself in love, but I don't want to end up alone either. I'm just scared that this depression won't ever allow me to feel sexually attracted to anyone ever again. I've been looking up some things up on asexuality and it makes some sense, but I just don't know what to think. I feel like no one understand, but i hope that someone here will. Thanks for reading.

current mood: rejected

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Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
6:06 pm - oh dear...

this is not what i wanted to read.....

current mood: shocked

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Friday, October 21st, 2005
12:27 am

Hi. My name is Samantha and I've been with my now fiance for almost 2 years. We had a long distance relationship but now we are living together. I have an odd case. See, its him that has lost the sex drive. I'm trying to be understanding but its just so frustrating. Am I unattractive? Do I need to lose weight? Is he embarrassed to be with me? Heck even the "gay" question has gone through my mind. I'm 21 and he's 25. We have "sex" (not intercourse) approx. once every two weeks. He started some sort of herbal treatment but he forgets to take them. I feel like he isn't trying sometimes and it makes me more frustrated! He said blankly that he just doesn't have the drive and sex for him is waaay down on the "relationship requirement" list.

Are there any other guys/gals out there with this problem? I really need some support.

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Saturday, June 25th, 2005
9:18 am - Suffering from inadequacy...

Here's what I just put in my own journal.. I need help, guidance.. something.

I cried myself to sleep. Who cares?
Why am I looking up different ways to foreplay? Can someone just... can someone just care about how hard this is on me? How stupid I feel, how inadequate I feel? How... lost? Insecure?
What's the matter with me?
I'm so... like... embarrassed. And I am just so sick of crying.. who feels what I feel right now? Who knows what I'm talking about? Who cares?

...I regret not having sex with him.
I regret not being able to please him the way he knows I can, the way he wants me to.. I regret not being able to show him I love him sexually. That's just what it is. I don't do anything for my own pleasure anymore.. for my own gain. What can I gain from hurting myself?

Lady in the street, freak in the bed. And for some reason, I can't be either one of these things...?
I'm not... that chick. And it's been a long time since I've felt this way. Since I've felt... defeated in a battle I didn't even know started.. I was modest before, but now I'm just unsure.

I have to deal with this, and have to deal with it now. What can I do? Continue hurting myself...? Go on even though... or just follow through and go all the way... I contemplated it. Yes, I thought about it. Had sex once before... only once. And now, Kurt doesn't even know what to call what happened between us that night, but apparently it wasn't sex... it was "something." I contemplated going all the way for him.. I want him... to be happy with me. To find comfort with me, to be pleased by me, to..

I want him to touch my face and look me in the eyes... tell me he loves me and everything about me, even this.. that there's nothing we can't work through.. that love conquers all.. that he knows it's more than "I just don't feel like it"... that I'm not trying to take anything away from him.. that I'm not trying to hold him back..

Angele, don't cry again...
Everything hurts.. why go through this by myself?

current mood: lonely

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Friday, April 15th, 2005
9:43 pm - Testing...

Hey, I'm new here and I wanted to introduce myself. I'm not sure if anybody is even reading this community anymore, since there haven't been any posts since December, but I figure it's worth a shot.

I've had a read through some of the most recent entries, and some of them sound like I could have written them myself. I'm 22 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. I love him to bits, and am mostly really happy with him. The only big problem between us is, and has been for almost as long as we've been together, sex.

Basically, I've never had an orgasm. I'm not on any medication except for the combined estrogen and progesterone contraceptive pill, so I'm sure it's psychological. It's got to the point where I spend so much of the time leading up to, and during sex worrying about whether I'll orgasm, that I can never relax enough to even get close. My boyfriend can tell I'm not eager to have sex with him, and that makes him nervous, and we both end up so worried about whether it'll be good that there's really no hope of it actually being good. I used to enjoy sex much more, even though I didn't orgasm, so my anxiety about the problem is clearly making it worse.

The whole thing came to a head last night when my boyfriend got really upset about it, and told me it makes him feel horribly unattractive, and as if he's just really awful in bed. He commented that he feels as if I'd be perfectly happy to be in a relationship with him but never have sex. And the worrying thing is, he's right. I'm fairly sure the bulk of the problem comes from my inexperience (he's the only person I've had sex with) and the fact that I never really masturbated much and haven't figured out how I like to be touched.

I don't really know what to do, but I'm joining this community, and doing my best to figure out how to make things better. I've tried searching for 'inhibited sexual desire' in google, as suggested in one of the comments on the last entry here, and I guess I have some reading to do...

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Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
12:48 pm - New...

Well, I am new here, and I wanted to introduce myself and talk about my problem.

My name is Shana, and I am 24 years old. For about the past 8 months(give or take), I have had no sex drive. My boyfriend and I used to have a very active sex life. I haven't changed medications...actually, I don't even take any on a regular basis. We used to have sex 4 or 5 times a week. Now the poor guy is lucky if he gets it 4 times a month, and not being my idea.

We have sex when he feels the need, and it's generally a quickie.

I still love him, and think that he is wonderful. I still look at great looking men and think dirty thoughts, but my sex drive is gone.

I am also a bi-sexual woman...and am starting to wonder if my lack of sex drive has anything to do with my sexual orientation. I am not with women regularly, and haven't been since he and I have been together. Could this whole thing be a hint that I "play for my own team", more than I do on the hetero team?

I am so confused.

current mood: confused

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Sunday, December 19th, 2004
8:40 pm

i haven't taken my pills (anti-depressants & progesterone only contraceptive) in over 10 days or so, i dunno what to do really....

yes, i think i've had more of an interest in sex *scratches head*, put it this way, i've been looking at sexy underwear lol so surely that must be a good sign lol ^_^ but it's stil at that level of vague that i just couldn't make a clear statement about how i feel towards it just yet.

i stoppped the ciprilex because i went through my strip and couldn't find my new one...(lazy cow that i am!) i know i definately feel, lets just say more fragile, close to tears quite a lot of the time....but i truly just don't know what's best ~_~

should i go back on the anti-depressants?

current mood: drained

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Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
10:04 pm - *cries*

i hate this!!!

i hate how much pain, frustration and rejection this is causing to my relationship T_T

we are arguing over this again, every time i feel like i am taking a positive step forward, i feel like my partner is pulling me backwards by telling me how i don't make him feel attractive and he feels like a substitute for a cuddly toy..... i'm sorry if this sounds selfish but my problem inititally is partly to do with the fact that i can't turn my thoughts off inorder to tune into sexual feelings and here we are again when my thoughts are once again filled with how much of a failure i am as a girlfriend. i begin to build up some positive momentum and then it dissolves before me -_-

he even went as far to say that he didn't think i was taking any positive steps forward...well i have a few choice words in response to that!

i'm feeling really worn down right now, i've just started a full time job that means a lot to me and is causing me quite a lot of concern because i want to get it so right, i'm feeling exhausted, i'm feeling low anyway and i'm on anti-depressants.....i wish he would just try to give me a break! but the thing is even when he is trying to give me a break i can feel the effort going into it like it's a pressure cooker and it's stressful to feel like everything is going to blow up any time now.

sorry, i needed to let this out.

current mood: distressed

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Monday, November 29th, 2004
1:23 pm

hi again,

yesterday was a lovely day, andrew and i had a lovely day together, dosing about in bed for the most part lol......

it was a good day, a lot of closeness between us, sex wasn't an intimidating thing, we do have these days, and then we don't see them again for a bit, i'm going to try hard to focus on everything positive, try hard to remember how these good days go.

i think i have reached a place where i over think everything which is in the end why i can't tune into any sexual feelings i may have, because i can't let go of everything else that is swirling around in my head, however consciously or subconsciously.

~ take each day as it comes ^_^

current mood: awake

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Friday, November 26th, 2004
7:21 pm - Hello! *smiles*


I'm brand new and I'm just gonna jump right in here....I'm 26, been going out with my boyfriend for just under two years, we've known each other for the past ten years on and off. i'm so happy and in love, and i just love him to little tiny pieces, yet my sex drive sucks ass! My sweetie has a very high sex drive which accentuates the problem, so this frustrates him and worse, the rejection hurts him hugely.

I'm on anti-depressants and a progesterone only pill to handle very bad pms/pmdd, the pills seem to have it under control at the moment, touch wood *knocks head* but certainly aren't helping my situation any...*sigh*

there is so much i could go into but i honestly just don't know where to begin.

I'm very saddened by the whole situation, and as I have become more and more removed on a physical basis, I feel like any form of sexual activity makes me feel anxious that he will want to carry it on any further so this has caused me to move away from any kind of intimate interaction.....and another iron to throw onto the fire would be that a lot of the time I feel that it isn't intimacy as such that my partner wants, but just a shag! *laughs* *winces* (and why shouldn't he *sigh*) i guess i feel quite vulnerable giving all of this information out, yet I feel the need to speak to other people who are in a similar situation to me.

I don't think it's at all fair on my partner, I think he deserves better.....


nice to meet you all!
nic ~_*

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Thursday, September 9th, 2004
7:26 pm - Herbal relief

Has anyone here tried herbal supplements to get back into the game? It has been months since I have felt even a spark...
I asked my doctor today if any of my medications could be at fault and she said they could all be at fault. I have changed my birth contol pills and my bipolar medication. I do not know what else to do. If it were just me, I would not worry. But this is not fair to my beau.

current mood: worried

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Monday, March 22nd, 2004
1:54 pm - Others Opinions
frustrated_fred I am battling two points of view and would appreciate other peoples opinions.

My wife has had zero libido for the past 4 years, we are in our late 30's and have a 2 yo & a 4yo.
About 2 years ago my wife developed fully blown depression after the birth of our 2nd child where she tried suicide several times and I ended up taking a year off work as she was institutionalized.
She is still on anti-depressants, mood stabilizers and just a small dose of valium now which seems to keep her relatively good.
She has been back to work for a year and generally seems ok now (apart from our sex life !)

Before all this we had an incredible sex life, she wanted it as often as I was able (not often enough!!), usually twice a day and not a day went past where she did'nt perform oral on me. Life was pretty damn good.
Then we had kids...

So Here is my dilemma.
I understand she has an illness, I know she has no feelings in that department and its probably partly due to the medication. I try to be patient...
When we talk about this and she says she feels nothing and sex should be a two way thing.

Am I being selfish or insensitive to hope for her to consider me and just have sex or do anything just for me?

Sex was a big part of our lives, I'm going out of my mind.


current mood: annoyed

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Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
2:40 am

Hello, I am a newbie here. This is really my first time expressing any of these thoughts/feelings/facts, so I am not exactly sure where to go, but I will try.

When I was 16 I had a boyfriend. I will not say that I was a stupid child, but I think I was still most naive. I really do think that I loved him. For the first mouth the relationship was alright. Sweet. But On his 20th birthday he wanted my virginity for his present. I gave it to him thought I had some doubts (he shared a birthday with my father). But since I loved him I gave it to him. After that the relationship turned sour. He started to force me to have sex when I didn't want it. He would take all my money. And he was often violent. I would spend weekends with him where he wouldn't let me have anything to eat. He would go out with his friends and leave me at his apartment and I would watch TV programs about bugs trying to make myself to grossed out to be hungry. I lost 30 pounds.

It has been a few years since I last saw/spoke to him. But I can't get close to anyone now. I have only had three relationships and none of them have gone far. At first it is alright, but then when they hold me or kiss me I start to freak out. I think I am afraid of sex with other people. I have only told very few people about this and I am myself am still not sure what to think about it, but it does feel good to get it out.

current mood: sad

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Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
9:26 am - hi

I'm new to this community. I'm joining because I have anorgasmia (erection, yes... orgasm, no) brought on by lexapro. I have been treated in the past for depression with an assortment of SSRIs. All of them resulted in anorgasmia, and this problem caused me to quit treatment before. But now my depression is bad enough that I have resolved to stick it out, whether I have another orgasm with my SO or not. Of course, given the choice, I would like to have orgasms again.

Anyway, I am glad that this community exists and that I am not the only guy here. :)

Has anyone heard good things about herbal therapies (like gingko biloba extract) in the treatment of male anorgasmia?

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Friday, February 13th, 2004
8:21 pm - :(

Well I feel like I am finally maybe ready to try to have a sex life again... after many long years...

...only to discover my husband has no feelings for me anymore.

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Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
11:29 pm - Hello.

I am not sure I belong in this community. I joined because I had extremely low libido for about 12 years, and it was agony.
At the moment, my problem of low libido is resolved.

I sought help from various sources and was told it was because of depression, medication, poor health, marital difficulties, you name it.

My problems resolved when I stopped taking the Pill, on the advice of a female endocrinologist. She did a simple blood test for testosterone, found it was low, gave me some testosterone, found that that helped. So then she suggested I stop taking the Pill, as the Pill inhibits testosterone production. No one had ever suggested this to me before . Not for over a decade. [Pardon me for sounding bitter, but shheeessshhh! All that soul-searching and unhappiness and it really was purely physical!!! Oh, and by the way, while coming off the Pill didn't 'fix' my depression, it certainly helped ease it!].

So I came off the Pill. My libido improved.

Some months after coming off the Pill I developed Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Guess what the treatment is: the Pill. But...it seems my hormones righed themselves after a few months, and so my doctor felt the Pill wasn't neccessary. I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

However, I have the *horrible* feeling that the PCOS symptoms are coming back, so I am once again facing the fear that I might have to go back on the Pill, and watch the quality of my life diminish yet again.

But all the same, while I know there are many, many reasons why libido can go down the plughole, I offer my experience for those looking for possible solutions.

Wishing everyone well.

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Thursday, November 13th, 2003
10:54 am - Is this comm for me?
jim_melshner I have a question.

I have a girl friend that has some sexual issues that I am attempting to help her through.

I am very patient and understanding, and we have already gained a lot of head way.

I was wondering if I can be a part of this community with out having a dysfunction of my own. If not, I will unjoin my self. If you know where a better community would be for me to join, please let me know.



current mood: happy

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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
12:15 pm - Hi a newbie to this community

hi i have just written in my journal for the first time in months and just reading up i am engaged going to be married on may 1st next year. I have suffered physical,mental and sexual abuse sex for me is fine as long as it is not intimate I can sleep with strangers no problem but lovemaking scares the crap out of me. I am with a wonderful man i am only his second partner he was married for 20 odd years before we met, I am the love of his life i love him so much also but sex with intimacy is so hard, we havent made love for a long time he is attentive puts my needs first.

I am scared that i will never feel intimacy with him or anyone in any shape or form.I think this community is great I don't feel alone with it all.

current mood: sad

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Sunday, August 17th, 2003
9:39 pm - Sensate Focus Exercises

Has anyone ever tried these? I read about them in the book I mentioned way back in this post and am really excited about trying them with my boyfriend. I'm wondering if anyone here has also tried them and any feedback you might have about them.

current mood: determined

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Thursday, July 31st, 2003
10:01 pm - Your doctor may not know everything!

This isn't an anti-doctor post, it's a "keep searching until you find someone who can help you" post. Now, I still have my problems so maybe I'm not the best one to be doling out advice, but I thought that if it could help anyone if I shared my experience with doctors, then, um, I'd better share :)

I think it started in the fall of 1997 when I was getting ready for my wedding, though maybe it started before that even. When I was a teenager, it hurt to use tampons, but I assumed it was because I was a virgin, and maybe I was doing something wrong. When I lost my virginity, I assumed it hurt because it was my first time. Then I met the man I would eventually marry, and we abstained from intercourse because he wanted to save himself for marriage.

So the fall of 1997 I went to my family practitioner for my first pap smear so I could start taking the pill. The pap smear was horribly painful, and it made me bleed. When the results came back, the doctor said my cells were too abnormal to be "normal," but not abnormal enough for cancer. So he told me to come back in three months for another pap smear.

When the next test came back the same way, he said it may be chlamydia and started me on anti-biotic suppositories and told me to come back in three months for another pap smear.

When the next test came back the same way, he gave me oral antibiotics and told me to come back in three months for another pap smear.

In the meantime, when I complained that pap smears and sex were incredibly painful, that they made me bleed, he told me I was just "too tight" and I needed to use more lube.

Finally, he sent me to see a gynecologist who performed a D&C and a biopsy. Again, this guy said I was too abnormal to be normal, but he couldn't figure out what was wrong, so he sent me to a gynecological oncologist. That guy just said "no cancer here!" and sent me home.

OK, so I was cancer free, but still in pain when I had sex. The result was I kept pushing my husband away and are marriage started to crumble. Plus, I was pap smeared out. I stopped going to doctors.

About 2 years after this started, we saw a marriage counselor who made us tell her exactly what was happening, what I felt each step of the way, what hurt and what didn't. In her opinion, it reminded her of another client's story. That client finally went to the women's clinic at the Oregon Health & Science University (OHSU) and was diagnosed with vulvar vestibulitis. She gave me the doctor's name and number and told me to get a referral from my MD to go see him.

By this time, my MD had moved out of the country, so I was seeing a nurse practitioner. She was reluctant to give me the referral and instead told us to use lidocaine as a lubricant. ::rolleyes:: Lidocaine is, of course, a topical anesthetic. You can see how that might be antithetical to the cause. Not that it did anything anyway. So she finally gave me the referral.

Long story short (too late), the doctor at OHSU recognized what was wrong (lichen planus) and gave us medication and therapy that actually made a difference. Sex is still difficult and awkward because I have a lot of other problems, but with dedication I noticed an improvement.

So the moral of the story is that persistence pays off--keep trying until you get satisfaction! I was told I had pre-cancer, human papilloma virus, chlamydia, and that I was too tight. I was filled with antibiotics. I was assured that things would get better with time and lubrication. But I finally found a counselor who would listen to me and received the appropriate diagnosis and treatment. It was a long, frustrating, and painful ordeal, and maybe it's not over yet, but it was a relief knowing that there really was something wrong, that it wasn't just in my head.

I hope someone found this encouraging :)

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